It’s never easy to give up on someone or something that you love. At least not for me because I really do put my all into people and the things that I care about. I Very much so dislike to feel like I have no other choice than to walk away from something because I’m use to picking up and running now, and I don’t want to be that person. I worked hard not to be that person anymore. It feels like failure to me when I have to walk away from something that I put my time and effort into especially when it comes to love, because I love full out and I have a vision for everything that I start.
When I start something and then something happens that makes me feel discouraged I automatically put my wall back up. That’s something that I also worked hard on that’s why after my mother passed it was hard for me to let things into my life because the fear of those things also leaving. When I back up I only backup to evaluate so that I can trust myself and what I have chosen, if that makes any sense. It makes me tick when I do this and then I get bombarded with guilt or somebody not seeing when my wall came up in what they did to have me put my wall up. I hate the things to turn into a finger pointing game that’s one of my biggest triggers.
This triggers me because my entire life even as a child when I would do nothing wrong at that time the finger was pointed. I don’t like to defend myself when I feel like I have to defend myself from someone that I love, it becomes a battle. Everybody has a certain way that they want to be loved everybody has needs that they’re going to need from the person who’s loving them that’s not wrong. It’s wrong when that gets misconstrued and turned around and this person forgets your love language and believe me I’m a person that has done this. I feel a type of way and I’ll stop doing certain things that I know I should do, hell certain things that I love to do while being in love, but I’ll stop doing them anyways.
It’s crazy how I put so much effort into something from the very beginning without even thinking about failure. It’s crazy because this leaves me open to heartbreak disappointment and disloyalty. This leaves me open to be put back in a space where I have no choice but to put my wall up to protect my heart. See when I go in blindly like that nine times out of ten the other person doesn’t appreciate what they’re getting for me until I start taking it away. I have to admit that I thought it was going to be different this time because our pain was similar our need for love was similar and what we wanted out of life when it came to family and success and marriage was similar.
What I didn’t bet on was how small our window of trust loyalty forgiveness and all those things actually was. When you take two peoples who have been hurt and one person goes in blindly and the other person goes in questioning everything it becomes a bit of a love trouble and a war between two people who actually have the same goal but are going about it two different ways. I didn’t bet on the fact that the person I was loving was actually scared to love me. Oh hell yeah I was scared but I wasn’t scared to the point where I was questioning everything as soon as my feelings start to get strong. I was scared to the point where I was willing to put my all in it and overlooked everything and anything if it meant that this person could feel me and hear me and see the bigger picture with me.
It’s never easy to give up on someone but it’s easier when you figure out that your motivations and fight are totally different. When you realize that it’s hard to find people who will stick by you through everything no matter how many fights or how Meany times you may break up and get back together. When you realize that you are rare because of this it will start to get easier. It’s hard to find someone who sees the bigger picture so what is happening now doesn’t mean as much to them. It’s hard to find someone who won’t walk away and turn their back on you just because you’re a little damaged.
I know that I am this person and I know that someone is going to appreciate that quality in me. So as much as my little heart is broken right now luvz…. I know that I have made an imprint on those who I once loved and I can be proud of that. Like I said it’s not easy to let go of something that you never had any intention of letting go of. But people are put in your life for a reason, a season or forever. Its your job to determine who those people are, its your job to determine which area they fit into, and it’s your job to learn a lesson not only from that experience or that loss, but also from ourselves an the roles we play in it.
Thank you luvz! I know I did a full rant but I know with the mind of an artist you out of all my favorite people in the world can relate…! -Donnie Sharrell